


Push x Pull

by abyssyll



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Developing Relationship, Forgiveness, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Masturbation implied, My Official Statement: I Sad, Non-Explicit, Uh-Oh: Boner Alert, relationship angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 00:47:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15108245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abyssyll/pseuds/abyssyll
Summary: Leorio is thinking too much. About Gon and Killua, their brushes with death. About how much they’ve overcome in their young lives. About how inadequate he feels next to his friends, who have both suffered and accomplished so much. Leorio is left alone with these thoughts eating away at him after the Chairman Election and Killua and Gon’s departure - that is until Kurapika calls, saying he wants to meet up with him. In his emotionally fragile state, Leorio agrees, in spite of the knowledge that his reunion with Kurapika will dredge up even more difficult feelings - ones that he’s been trying to ignore since they were last together in Yorkshin. When Kurapika finally arrives, he sees a more vulnerable side of Leorio than he ever has before, and he finds himself in the unusual position of comforting the friend who up until now has always played the support role.My contribution to the 2018 Hunter x Hunter Big Bang, Leopika 4.





	Push x Pull

**Author's Note:**

> Hey friendos, I'm very excited to present my very first fic for a ship with a fan base of more than two people! 
> 
> The basis of this fic is rather self-indulgent (I'm realizing now that pretty much all fics are) - I desperately needed to see Kurapika apologize to Leorio for the wall of silence between them after Yorkshin. I was also feeling pretty starved for a Leorio-centric fic, something that explored his character beyond the usual comic relief. The rest kinda took shape from there. I'd intended for the ending not to be so damn sad but both my beta readers were really torn up about it so... sorry. 
> 
> Big shout-out to tumblr users causticcurtsy and noit-art-surf who made [a couple of amazing illustrations](http://causticcurtsy.tumblr.com/post/175368473426/leorio-glanced-over-at-the-stovetop-clock-for) and [a fantastic animation](https://noit-art-surf.tumblr.com/post/175398403126/ahhhhhh-this-took-long-but-it-was-worth-it-this) based on this fic! Both of your creations are so beautiful and I'm so happy you enjoyed my writing! Also a huge thank you to my friends Damien and Glitter and my brother Darcy for their editing, feedback, and moral support throughout the creative process. Couldn't have done it without you!
> 
> One last humongous thank you to the mods for hxhbb18 for all their hard work making this event possible. Hope to see you guys next year!

“Well I’m glad things went okay with the old man! Let me know how it’s going every once in a while, alright?”

“Okay, Leorio! I’ll call you again soon!”

“Take care, Gon, and stay outta trouble.”

“Bye!”

Leorio hung up his cell phone and ran his hand through his hair, exhaling loudly. You wouldn’t know by talking to him that Gon had been at death’s door only a couple days ago. Typical Gon.

Setting down his phone on his desk, Leorio pushed his chair away from it, turning away toward the middle of his office. The three-o’clock sun was starting to cast shadows on the floor, longer now that summer was giving way to autumn.

He should’ve been studying for his classes later that evening, but at this point, he knew it wasn’t worth trying. Every time he did attempt to focus, his thoughts would start drifting back to the same thing. Gon, Killua, Kurapika… where were they right now? Were they safe? Were they taking care of themselves? Were they thinking of him right now too?

Talking to Gon was something of a comfort. But hearing he and Killua were going their separate ways now… it was easier on his mind to know those two were taking care of each other. Or was it? They managed to get into some pretty dire straits together not long ago. Maybe time apart would do them some good. 

Let’s face it though - Gon, Killua, now Alluka… it seemed like trouble followed them at every turn. Whether they were together or apart, he was going to have to worry about them. All Leorio could do was pray that they didn’t get sucked up into something like that Chimera Ant business again. Just thinking about what Netero and the others let Gon and Killua get themselves into…

Leorio gripped the arm of his chair, his knuckles turning white. He wished the old geezer hadn’t kicked it so he could give him a piece of his mind. God knows he gave it to Knov and Morel when he met them at the hospital. The fact that it was a hospital was the only thing keeping him from slugging them both.

What the hell were they thinking? ‘Oh yeah, looks like we’ve got ourselves some self-destructive traumatized children. Might as well let them join a suicide mission - Can’t break ‘em any worse than they already are!’ Christ. It’s a wonder those two were still alive! 

Well, then again, if anyone was going to survive something like that, it would be Gon and Killua. They were both freakishly strong from the time Leorio first met them and they’d only grown stronger since then. Physically, anyway. Mentally, though...

Leorio wasn’t a shrink, but there was no way those two should be functioning after all they’d been through. This shit broke grown adults - that Knov guy for instance! How the hell were Gon and Killua still talking to him like they did a year ago? Almost as if nothing had changed?

God, those kids… Leorio leaned back in his chair, taking off his glasses and rubbing his temples. Worrying about them like this gave him headaches. Like hell that was going to keep his mind off of them, though.

Then there was Kurapika. As the excitement of the the Hunter’s Association election and Gon’s miraculous recovery wore off, Leorio found his mind wandering to him once again as well. Kurapika hadn’t answered any of his phone calls the last few weeks, which wouldn’t have been anything new or alarming if one of their best friends hadn’t been on his deathbed during that time. 

The silence from Kurapika's end was excruciating. Where the hell was he? Was he okay? Was he dead or something? The reality of that possibility made Leorio’s stomach churn. And yet something in him couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t the case - he was alive and ignoring him for some reason.

Leorio figured Kurapika’s job would keep him busy. Put his quest for revenge and his single-minded determination on top of that and yeah, he wouldn’t have a lot of time to spend chatting on the phone. But this wasn’t about having idle conversation - this was about getting some peace of mind, knowing that he was alive and in one piece. You’d think he could at least shoot him a quick text every now and again - ‘Hey, just letting you know I’m not dead!’

Leorio sighed. In all likelihood, Kurapika was neglecting everything else in favor of getting ahold of the Phantom Troupe and the eyes they stole, himself included. Leorio still remembered how Kurapika had run himself down back in Yorkshin and wouldn’t be surprised if he was doing the same now. Except now Leorio couldn’t be there to pick him up off the floor again.

Gon... Killua... Kurapika... would it really kill them to not throw themselves into danger at every possible opportunity? 

But then again, if Leorio had to to deal with any of the trauma those three had faced, he probably wouldn’t have turned out much different. Neglect, abuse, goddamn genocide… the stuff they were up against now must’ve seemed pretty insignificant after that. 

No wonder the events of the last few months seemed so much scarier to Leorio than anyone else. The worst that had ever happened to him was… being poor? So fucking what? That happened to loads of people. 

When it came down to it, there was no way Leorio could've endured the shit they had, as young as they were. He couldn't even begin to imagine. He would’ve died from the shock alone.

Would he even be able to take it now?

No. He didn’t want to get started on this again. Part of him had kept insisting it was a legitimate question for a while now, but with the most recent catastrophe it was worse than ever. What it boiled down to was him comparing himself to a couple of fourteen-year-olds, which was just pathetic.

But at the same time… here he was struggling to get a handle on his Nen. Gon and Killua had literally just helped save the world.

‘Ahaha! see, I knew you knew it,’ the shitty, petty part of him who wouldn’t shut the hell up said. ‘And you’re jealous. You’re jealous of a couple of kids because they’ve got what it takes to be somebody, but you don’t. You’re an ordinary weakling next to them.’

“I’m doing what I can, dammit,” Leorio spat under his breath.

‘Yeah, and it ain’t much is it?’

Leorio knew he didn’t need to be some superpowered hero. He knew he could do something decent without all of that. He was truly doing what he could - getting his degree and being there for his friends when they needed him.

But to that crappy voice it was all just excuses. Just trying to make himself sound like less of a loser.

Leorio’s thoughts were cut short by his phone going off again. He picked it up without looking and gave a flat greeting to the person on the other end.

“... Hello, Leorio.”

Leorio’s mouth hung open. No fucking way. This had to be a joke.

“... Kurapika?”

“... It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“... been… a while… you - you BASTARD!”

Leorio launched his phone across the room. It slammed against the wall and fell to the floor.

A few seconds passed. Did that just actually happen? Was that really Kurapika on the other end of the line? Leorio ran over to pick up his phone again.

“... Feel any better now?” Kurapika asked.

“NO, you fucking asshole!” Leorio roared into the phone. “What the HELL do you think you’re doing just calling me up to chat after over a year of FUCKING SILENCE?!”

“I’m breaking it. I want to talk to you again,” Kurapika stated with a matter-of-factness that made Leorio’s blood boil.

“Like you can just do that?! After months of ignoring all the times I tried to get ahold of you?!”

“I know it’s a little… abrupt... but I really didn’t see any better way to get in contact with you again.”

“You’re telling me ‘abrupt!’ So what makes you think that I wanted to hear from you again, dickhead?!”

“Well, you made your weekly call again this morning. I’d hoped to pick it up when you called, but I just missed you.”

“… Fuck.”

Kurapika laughed - damn it, why the hell did Leorio find that cute?

“Hey, screw you! You knew I was gonna call?”

“You’ve done it every Monday this year. And then some.”

“Then why the hell didn’t you ever pick up, Kurapika?”

“… That’s… why I called.”

Leorio’s anger cooled considerably.

“Well,” he replied, “I’m listening.”

There was a brief pause from Kurapika.

“… I’m sorry. I can’t tell you everything about why I didn’t answer you.”

“The hell? First you say you want to tell me, then that you can’t? Make up your mind!” Leorio fumed.

“Look, I do want to tell you what I can. I just can’t give you all the specifics because of my work.”

“Okay, well what can you tell me?”

“Part of it was just being busy. It’s a weak excuse, but it’s true. I’ve had a lot to do and I’ve been putting calling you aside.”

“You catch a break then, finally?”

“For a little while, yes.”

“Alright, then what was the other part?”

“… I was hoping… maybe I could talk to you about that in person.”

Leorio blinked, surprised. He felt his heart beat a little faster and cursed at himself internally.

“Yeah? What for?”

“Look, I understand you’re not happy to hear from me now after everything that's happened. But I owe you an apology for being so absent. And I don’t want to just say it over the phone. I’d like to tell you face-to-face.”

“… Alright,” Leorio said. “When did you want to meet up?”

“Is tonight at all possible?”

Leorio needed a second to process everything. Having the opportunity to see Kurapika again tonight after so long - it felt almost unreal.

“I’ve got a couple classes but after eight, I’m free,” he said at length.

“Okay. Eight-thirty then?”

“Sounds good.”

A few seconds passed before Kurapika spoke again.

“… Thank you, Leorio.”

“For what?”

“For picking up the phone. I was worried for a while that you wouldn’t.”

“Well, you know what that does to a guy, right? Being left hanging?” 

Leorio thought it was a smart reply as it came to him, but wanted to shove it back in his mouth as it came out.

“… I’ll see you tonight.”

Kurapika hung up sharply.

Goddammit. Now he pissed Kurapika off. Leorio turned to the wall and pressed his head against it. 

He looked at his phone, cursed at the huge crack that spiderwebbed across the screen, and went into his call history. Sure enough, Kurapika’s name was at the top of the list.

Fucking. Kurapika. Of course he thought he could just walk back into his life again. After all that time ignoring him. Who the hell did he think he was?

And why, if he was so frustrated with him, was he so happy about this? 

Tonight was going to be a slog - apologies always were. But he still felt this thrill of excitement in his chest that simultaneously almost made him feel sick. With what? Anxiety? Anticipation? Whatever it was, Leorio didn’t want to deal with it right now. 

He groaned and slouched, dragging his forehead against the wall. What time was it?

He checked his phone’s home screen and cursed - still more than a couple hours until class. He’d have to distract himself until then. He could always study. That is, if he could keep his mind from wandering.

~~~

Ten o’clock and still no sign of Kurapika. Figures he’d be late.

A newly-opened bottle of wine sat on the table while an empty one was half-buried in the trash. 

Leorio glanced over at the stovetop clock for about the thousandth time that evening and took a deep drink from his glass. He’d started drinking a few hours ago in the hopes of diffusing some of the nervous energy that had carried him from his call with Kurapika through his class and back to his apartment again. It was stupid - it was just Kurapika. Sure, it’d been a while, but there was really nothing to get worked up over. He’d just have a drink or two and get over it.

Now an hour and a half after the promised time, that restlessness was long gone. Leorio just didn’t bother to stop drinking. By now he figured he’d just drown his disappointment and head to bed if Kurapika didn’t show up in the next few minutes.

Leorio swished the sip of wine left in his glass around and stared at it in an attempt not to look at the clock again. He looked about as good as he felt - slouched over the table with his belt and suit jacket slung over the back of his chair, sleeves rolled up, shirt untucked, five-o’clock shadow. “Pathetic loser” didn’t seem too far from the mark at the moment.

Setting his glass down, he sat up in his chair and yawned, stretching his arms over his head. At that same moment, something moved just outside of Leorio’s line of sight. He jumped out of his chair as Kurapika stepped around the corner into his kitchen.

“Jesus! Kurapika! You scared the shit out of me!” he exclaimed, plunking himself back down into his seat. “You ever heard of knocking?”

“Sorry, the door was unlocked,” Kurapika said, looking a little startled himself. “I wanted to check in case you’d gone to sleep.”

“That’s not weird at all.”

“Look, I’m well aware I was running behind schedule. I didn’t expect you to wait up for me this late.”

“What kept you?”

“Something came up just before I was going to leave… it’s why I didn’t answer when you texted me.”

“It’s not a big deal. I was gonna be up studying anyway,” Leorio lied.

Kurapika made a not-convinced noise in the back of his throat, looking Leorio over. Silence passed between them as Kurapika stood somewhat awkwardly at the edge of the kitchen tile. He looked pretty out of place amidst the general clutter of Leorio’s apartment in his tidy black suit. That was definitely new. And definitely not bad-looking.

“Looks nice.”

“Hm?”

“The suit.”

“Oh.”

“Fits you well.”

That sounded gay no matter how you tried to spin it. Leorio had to restrain himself from smacking himself in the face.

“Err… what happened to your other clothes?”

“Wore them out,” Kurapika said brusquely. “I haven’t had time to make new ones. And my employer considers the suit something of a uniform.”

“Ah. Gotcha.” Leorio looked back at his glass.

Another painful silence.

“I’m sorry, Leorio.”

Thank God. They were going to skip the small talk.

“I’m sorry I ignored your calls and never tried to get in touch with you before now. I know I can’t expect you to forgive me for keeping you at a distance. Just know that I truly, sincerely apologize,” Kurapika said.

Leorio sat silently for a moment, digesting Kurapika’s apology. As if he hadn’t already made up his mind about whether he was going to forgive him.

“You really think I’d just refuse your apology like that? I get it - you weren’t trying to be a jackass.”

“I still ended up being one though,” Kurapika replied, eyes lowered.

Leorio smirked.

“Yeah, but that’s nothing new.”

A smile of relief spread over Kurapika’s face, tired, but genuine. No, don’t do that dammit. It’s… cute. Fuck. Now Leorio was going to have to come up with something to say before Kurapika noticed him staring like an idiot.

“So... you’ve said you’re sorry. You gonna sit down and explain yourself now?” Leorio asked, indicating the chair across the table.

“As much as I can,” Kurapika answered, taking the invitation and having a seat. “A lot of it is… work related.”

“Ah, I see. You could tell me but you’d have to kill me,” Leorio joked, drawing his thumb across his throat.

“More or less,” Kurapika replied flatly.

“Yeesh, I was just kidding around,” Leorio said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I’m afraid I wasn’t. But there isn’t much actually worth knowing. Not a lot of it is any use to me for tracking the Spiders, anyway.”

“Hit a dead end there?”

“They found their boss an exorcist sometime a few months ago and I haven’t been able to find them since.”

“Damn. I really thought you had that guy locked down.”

“It’s given me some time to track down the Scarlet Eyes, but not knowing where exactly the Spiders are… it’s been keeping me on edge.”

“I was gonna say, you’ve looked a lot better,” Leorio said, observing the circles under Kurapika’s eyes. “When was the last time you slept?”

“You’re not exactly amazing yourself tonight. Just how long were you drinking before I showed up?” Kurapika retorted, cocking an eyebrow.

“Hey!” Leorio shouted. “I know it’s hard to beat how I looked when I punched Ging on TV the other day, but I’ll have you know I’d only just opened this before you came in.” He lifted the bottle in front of him and wiggled it a little.

“What about the one you tried to hide in the trash there?”

“How did you -? Oh well shit, there it is.” Leorio thought he’d covered that up a little better.

“That’s… quite a lot. Is something bothering you?”

“Nah, I’m fine,” Leorio said, waving his hand at the bottle in the garbage. “Hell, I’m celebrating. I just heard from Gon today - he finally got a hold of his old man.”

“Did he? Incredible…” Kurapika remarked, not seeming too convinced by Leorio’s explanation.

“Yeah, he finally got to talk to him, a couple days after being at death’s door, even.” Kurapika’s face fell as Leorio mentioned Gon’s brush with death.

He spoke after a brief pause.

“… Leorio, when you called about Gon being in such critical condition… I got your messages right away,” he began. “Obviously the news was on it almost immediately, but after you called, I stopped following it. I didn’t want to hear anything that wasn’t from you. And I know there was only so much you could say, but I’m glad you told me what you could.”

Leorio, resting his elbows on the table, pressed his folded hands over his mouth as Kurapika made his explanation. 

“Why didn't you call back?” he asked at length, pushing up his glasses and rubbing his eyes. “Look I get being busy - I’m in med school for fuck’s sake, but Gon was dying here, Kurapika. We got lucky. Much longer and he wasn’t gonna be around anymore. So why didn’t you call me back? Why didn’t you at least just come say something to him?”

Kurapika fell silent again, looking down at his hands in his lap, trying to think of the right words.

“… I couldn't bring myself to see him like that,” he answered eventually. “To see another friend dying.” 

Leorio listened intently, hands over his mouth again.

“In spite of everything I did to keep him safe away from me and my work, I was still losing Gon. It was like... being slapped in the face... I couldn't let my last memory of Gon be of him dying or dead. I needed him to be the way he was.” Kurapika looked back up at Leorio, eyes shining slightly.

Leorio got up out of his chair without a word and pulled Kurapika out of his, putting his arms around him. He felt Kurapika’s reach around him as well, and they stayed like that for a good long while. Weirdly enough, it was the most comfortable Leorio had felt all night, trying to comfort his friend.

“I think I kind of get it now… I’m sorry,” he murmured.

“No, it’s fine...”

“I mean it. Sometimes I forget how complicated losing people you love is for you. I’m sorry for making you feel guilty about it.”

“I would've felt guilty whether you said anything or not.”

They took another minute to hold each other in silence. Eventually, Kurapika pulled away and Leorio let him go, in spite of his sharp impulse to hang onto him. In an effort to distract himself from it, he walked over to his cupboard to grab another glass.

“You want something to drink too?” he asked over his shoulder.

“I’m underage, Leorio.”

“So was I last year! Didn’t stop me. Promise I won’t tell, Boss,” he said with a teasing grin.

“Ugh, please don’t,” Kurapika groaned. “I’ll pass.”

“Alright, suit yourself,” Leorio shrugged, setting the glass he’d picked up back on the shelf.

He rejoined Kurapika at the table and refilled his own glass.

“You really haven’t been very specific about just how Gon made his recovery,” Kurapika remarked. “I’m assuming Killua had something to do with it?”

“Sure did,” Leorio said, taking a drink. “And he came through hell to do it. You know, I’m starting to think that I’d be pretty okay with never hearing about the Zoldyck family outside of Killua ever again.”

“Hm? How do you mean?”

“Well it’s just that every time I hear about them it’s usually something about all the fucked-up things they do to their kids.”

“... Right. You’re saying they were trying to stop him?”

“Kurapika, you don’t know the half of it. They have a daughter, Killua’s little sister, who they were pretending didn’t exist.” Leorio’s voice was grave and he could feel anger rising in him as he recalled what Killua had told him after the election. “Killua had to rescue her in order to try to have her help Gon. From being locked up. In her own home.” 

Kurapika’s face hardened.

“Yeah, me too,” Leorio continued. “Apparently they were doing it because of her power. Killua explained it to me a little - something about taking body parts to grant wishes, if you don't know how to make them right. Which if Killua’s family took some time to talk to Alluka, they’d be able to figure out how to do, but apparently that's completely out of the question. Imprisoning kids in their own homes - now that's a real plan.”

Leorio exhaled loudly and took another deep drink.

“They thought she was too dangerous to let her free?”

“Yeah. You talk to her though and she’s about as dangerous as a kitten,” Leorio replied, shaking his head. “She’s a sweet kid. Loves Killua like nothing else. Can’t imagine what she could’ve done to make her parents lock her up like that. But yeah. Torturing kids is basically the family business.”

Kurapika couldn’t seem to think of anything to say to that. He glared darkly at the floor, no doubt silently sharing in Leorio’s outrage.

“Anyway, Killua used Alluka’s power to bring Gon back,” Leorio went on. “But apparently now they’ve gone their separate ways.”

“Really?” Kurapika asked, surprised.

“Yeah, I know. It’s hard to think of those two on their own. They’ve been inseparable for as long as we’ve known them,” Leorio sighed. “I guess it was only a matter of time. Maybe they need the time away. Things got kinda… rough between them during the whole Chimera Ant thing.”

Kurapika nodded solemnly. 

God. This was just getting depressing. Talking about Gon and Killua being on their own now was just reminding Leorio of how lonely he’d been feeling lately.

“I really miss when it was the four of us all together,” Leorio mumbled into the heel of his hand, unsure if he actually wanted Kurapika to hear.

“...Yeah. Me too,” Kurapika answered quietly, smiling sadly. Something in Leorio’s chest ached when he looked like that. But he was also somewhat comforted knowing Kurapika felt the same.

“You know, I’ve still got that picture of us,” Leorio continued. “The one from the Hunter Exam.”

“The one where you grabbed me without warning me?”

“Yeah, and you’re making a face like I tried to cop a feel or something,” Leorio couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“If I remember right, Killua’s face looks worse,” Kurapika said, smiling a bit too. 

“I still look at it sometimes and wish we could all be like that again. Happy, carefree.”

“I remember that time fondly as well. Even If we did spend most of our time bickering.”

“Yeah… but now Gon’s off on his own. And Killua’s taken up the full-time job of keeping the rest of his family away from his sister,” Leorio mused, resting his cheek on his hand. “I keep thinking about how much those two have grown… how much they’ve been through. They talk about the past years like they haven’t been much at all, but… you can hear it in their voices, you know? They’ve been really good at disguising how much all the hell they’ve been put through has affected them up until now… it’s impressive, really.”

“Leorio?”

“Hm?”

“Are we finally getting to what’s bothering you?” Kurapika asked, gesturing to the wine bottle in the trash with his eyes.

“Hey, just because you’re here right now doesn’t mean you get to act like you stiffing me on all my attempts to get ahold of you weren’t making me royally pissed off,” Leorio snapped. “You’re as much to blame here as anyone else.”

“Noted.”

“But I guess all this business with Gon and Killua and Alluka has had me thinking too much,” Leorio sighed, idly swirling the wine in his glass. “Just… how do these kids do it, Kurapika? How do they keep going with all the shit they’ve seen… with all that's been done to them? It just doesn't add up for me. Hell, you're the same way, maybe you can make some sense of it for me.”

“The same way?” Kurapika seemed confused.

“Kurapika… your clan. Everybody you ever knew was taken from you literally overnight. That kind of trauma breaks people, Kurapika, it leaves them shells of what they could’ve been. And yet here you are running all this mob business on your way to taking down the scum who robbed you.” 

Leorio tipped his glass back slightly and stared at the scruffy-looking reflection looking back at him from the surface of his drink. He was saying too much right now and he knew it, but at some point in the last few minutes he’d stopped caring. He didn’t know if it was the alcohol or having a friend around after so long on his own. It was all just kind of pouring out now.

“You’re incredible. You and Gon and Killua, and now Alluka… I just don’t know how you guys do it. I look at you guys and can’t help but think… just how pathetic I’d be in your shoes.”

“Pathetic?”

“Yeah, pathetic. Like fuck, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time, and I’m just doing some pretty standard shit. People learn to be doctors all the time. I’m not trying to avenge anybody or escape assassins - all the day-to-day shit is hard enough on its own. Just imagining having all that other stuff weighing down on me all the time… a guy like me wouldn't be able to hack it.”

Kurapika looked at Leorio with serious concern, brows furrowed.

“I don’t… I don’t understand, Leorio.”

“I don’t either. I don’t get why a guy like me tries to be friends with people so far out of his league.” Leorio pushed his glass aside.

“Out of your league?”

“You know what I mean. Maybe it’s ‘cause I’m selfish. Maybe I’m riding your coattails to make it seem like I’m doing something important like I did during the Exam.”

“What? Leorio!” Kurapika exclaimed.

“You know that's what happened, Kurapika!” Leorio shouted back. “You were there, you saw everything! I fluked my way through almost every stage. When it came down to it, it was always some combination of you, Gon, and Killua carrying my ass forward. I got in instead of Killua because I got lucky that the Chairman didn’t feel like enforcing his own rules consistently.”

“What are you saying?” Kurapika growled, eyes flushing red. “That you’re jealous of us? That you want something awful to happen to you to make you stronger somehow?”

“No!” Leorio clapped a hand over his eyes - was he really coming off like that? “No, dammit I’m not that much of an idiot.”

“I’d certainly hope not!” Kurapika snapped.

“Look, I’m not stupid enough to be jealous of the way life’s fucked you over. What I’m saying is, every time the world has spat in your face, you’ve risen to the challenge and more. You’ve gone above and beyond with everything you’ve ever wanted to do, and yet you still demand more from yourself! What I wanna know is where I get off pretending like I can be worth anything to you. Like I can even try to be any good to you when I can’t even begin to compare what we’ve been through. It makes me feel like an asshole for getting so angry about you not talking to me. Who the hell am I to demand it from you? Of course you’re fucking busy. You’re trying to get serious shit done. What the hell can I possibly offer you? I’ve got no Nen worth talking about, I’m only a med student. No shit you’ve got better things to do than talk to me.”

As Leorio spoke he felt pressure rising behind his eyes. He took off his glasses and covered his eyes again, this time to try to hide the tears of frustration that were welling up in them.

Kurapika was stunned into silence. Of course he would be - Leorio never talked about himself that way. This was the closest he’d ever seen him come to crying. The anger from before quickly drained from his face.

“Leorio, please… don’t say things like this about yourself,” Kurapika spoke softly, trying to choose his words carefully. “That’s… that’s not how I - that’s not how anybody thinks about you.”

Leorio didn’t reply. Trying not to cry was about all he could manage after spilling his guts like that. 

“I know I can’t apologize enough for going silent on you,” Kurapika continued, “but I swear I never did it because I thought you didn’t matter. I don’t think I can express how important it was to hear from you. Even when you did nothing but shout at me… it was good just to hear your voice.”

Kurapika leaned across the table to take Leorio’s hand from his face. Seeming unsure of what else to do, he held onto it, and Leorio grasped his back. Taken a little by surprise, Kurapika paused a moment before going on.

“You don’t know how much you do for your friends without even really trying. When you check up on us, when you listen to our problems… we don’t feel so alone. We know you’re always going to care. And… that's worth everything to us. We don’t need you to be the strongest or the smartest… we need you to just… be.”

Taking in his words, Leorio met Kurapika's gaze.

“… Was that a dig at my intelligence?” he asked with a mirthless grin.

“What? No, I didn't mean - ” Kurapika stumbled before Leorio cut him off again.

“I’m kidding. I know what you meant,” he said. If Kurapika was going to get to see him cry then it was only fair that he could see him flustered too. 

“It just gets hard… being so powerless in the face of things,” he went on. “The world keeps throwing shit in our faces and I wish I could do more to help.”

“You don’t have to, Leorio. You’re far better at supporting your friends than you give yourself credit for. And besides… we really don’t have as good a hold on things as it may seem. I know I can lose sight of everything but my goals if I go unchecked. But you help keep us grounded. Remind us to take care of ourselves. Kind words mean everything in an unkind world, Leorio. And I thank you for that.”

Kurapika looked up at Leorio and smiled gratefully at him, squeezing his hand inadvertently. Or Leorio guessed it was. Kurapika saying all this and doing that on purpose just felt a little too good to be true. Either way, it made Leorio go red in the face.

“… You really mean all that?” he asked quietly. Kurapika nodded.

“I’m really that important to you?”

Put that way, it took Kurapika a bit longer to answer.

“… I… yes. You really are.”

“Because you’re... really important to me. And I’ve been worried about you.” 

Kurapika looked away again. Leorio felt his hand move to slip away, but he held on.

“I get what you’ve been trying to do,” he continued, a hint of desperation in his voice. “You’re trying to distance yourself - that way if something happens to you, we won't be hurt. Right?” 

Guilty silence.

“But it’s too late for that, Kurapika! We already miss you. It’d only be worse if you got yourself killed. We care about you, and you trying to push us away isn’t gonna change that - even if you did really want it. That’s why you came here isn’t it? You need us like we need you!”

Kurapika still said nothing, glaring coldly to his side. Now that was just pissing Leorio off. Was he even listening to him?

Leorio got up out of his chair and took Kurapika with him, lifting him by the hand he was holding. He pressed his forehead to his, forcing Kurapika to look back up at him.

“You’re stuck with us, no matter what. So stop pushing us away when we want to help you, dammit!” Leorio snarled.

Kurapika stared defiantly up at him, still refusing to speak. Leorio pushed against him harder, as if he could force the words into his head.

In a split second, Kurapika’s brown eyes erupted into red. The alarm bells in Leorio’s head didn’t have time to go off before Kurapika had seized him by his shirt collar and brought his mouth crashing into his. 

Leorio couldn’t figure out whether he was seeing stars because of the kiss or because Kurapika gave him a concussion. Not that he really could think a whole lot when Kurapika’s tongue was in his mouth and his hands in his hair… he was going a little more on instinct at the moment, pulling Kurapika up against him, running his hands down his sides...

Then, just as suddenly as he’d started the kiss, Kurapika ended it. He pulled away and stared at Leorio as if coming out of a trance. He stepped back out of Leorio’s embrace and turned his back to him. Leorio felt his entire body cry out against the separation, but even so, he let him go.

Stunned silence hung over the two a long time afterward. Leorio started wondering if Kurapika was just going to walk out. What could they even say about… whatever just happened there? What were they talking about before? He fell back against the table as he wrestled with himself to think of some way to stop Kurapika from just leaving him there half-hard and messy-haired.

“… I… I’m sorry, I don't know what came over me,” Kurapika said, beating him to the punch. He glanced over his shoulder at Leorio, eyes back to their usual brown.

“… Er… yeah, me too,” Leorio stammered, adjusting his legs to hide the pressing issue starting to make itself known. “Must've been the booze,” he lied, feeling the least convincing he’d ever been.

Suddenly, the conversation from before Kurapika had tried to break his nose came back to Leorio.

“But yeah,” he went on, “what I said still goes. So stop ignoring me when I try to call you. Because even if you do again, I’m not gonna give up. So you might as well talk to me every once in a while.” That hardly made kissing Kurapika back sound like an accident, but it was all he could think to say.

A small smile crept back over Kurapika’s face.

“You’re so stubborn,” he said, turning to face Leorio again. “It seems like that’s not going to change.”

“Like hell it is.”

“But you're right. I’ll try to pick up when I can. And in the meantime, you don’t get to go calling yourself worthless,” Kurapika continued more seriously. “You’re far from it and I won’t let you forget that.” That didn’t make Kurapika kissing Leorio sound like an accident either. Or Leorio hoped so anyway.

“… Fine. It's a deal.” Leorio agreed, still standing rather carefully. “But if you don’t pick up I’m going right back to wallowing in self-pity!”

Kurapika laughed and Leorio felt his heart swell again. Goddammit. God-fucking-dammit.

Catching sight of the clock on the stove, Kurapika’s face fell a little. Leorio followed his gaze and cursed inwardly yet again. 

“... I’m guessing you gotta go, then,” he said, unable to disguise the disappointment in his voice.

“I should probably be getting back,” Kurapika admitted. “I’m on-call virtually all the time. I can’t stay away very long.”

Fuck. No. No dammit please, not after this long. Not after that kiss.

“Can I get a kiss goodbye?” Leorio smirked, half-hoping he could just write it off as a joke if Kurapika got pissed off. 

Sure enough, Kurapika’s eyes widened and his face flushed bright pink.

“What? No!” He scowled, walking over and pointing up at Leorio’s face. “You will tell no one about that.”

“Alright, alright,” Leorio said with resignation as Kurapika turned and started to walk away.

“And besides, you kissed back!” Kurapika went on, stopping and throwing another glare over his shoulder.

“Okay, I get it! I won’t tell anyone,” Leorio said, raising his hands over his head.

“Good.”

They fell silent again. Kurapika stayed where he was, halfway out of the kitchen. Waiting for Leorio to say goodbye? He didn’t want to. God, please, anything but that.

“You know,” Leorio began, praying he sounded even a fraction less shaky than he felt, “I wasn’t trying to make fun of you.”

Kurapika didn’t respond right away. Leorio saw him tense somewhat. Goddammit he fucked up. He was gonna walk right out the door without another word and that’s the last Leorio was ever going to see of him. Idiot!

“... You weren’t?” Kurapika finally asked, voice low. Leorio would’ve missed it if he hadn’t been hanging on his reaction.

“No,” Leorio said, swallowing hard.

Kurapika turned back to face him. There was a moment’s hesitation before he closed the distance between himself and Leorio again, reaching up to take his face in his hands.

“You won’t tell anyone about this either.”

Leorio nodded, dumbfounded. Kurapika removed his glasses and kissed him again, gently.

Leorio’s eyes fell closed and he took Kurapika in his arms again. All his tension and pent-up anxiety from the rest of the day disappeared - the worries and self-criticism from mere minutes ago felt so stupidly trivial. Calm and warmth radiated from his chest to the rest of him as he and Kurapika held each other for a long time, longer than Leorio ever hoped for.

It wasn’t long enough though. The same pang of desperation from before came over him as Kurapika pulled away from him for the second time. He left his arms and stepped back, handing Leorio his glasses back and adjusting his sleeves.

“You know, I could maybe get used to that,” Leorio said, half-jokingly, half-hopefully.

“Don’t,” Kurapika answered coldly. “I have no idea when I’m going to have the opportunity to see you again. It may be another year. Or longer.”

All at once, Leorio’s anxiety came flooding back.

“I can wait, Kurapika,” he said, the hurt in his voice unmistakeable.

“Leorio, no,” Kurapika insisted. “This can’t happen. Not with me.”

“You’re the one who kissed me first!” Leorio cried, pointing at Kurapika and then at himself. “Why the hell would you kiss me and then go and tell me we can’t do this?!”

“I know I kissed you first! It was a mistake!” Kurapika shouted back.

“The hell? How do you accidentally kiss someone?”

“I don’t know, and I don’t have time to try to figure it out.”

“But - no, Kurapika, wait!” Leorio called after Kurapika as he stalked out of the kitchen, making his way to the door.

Leorio flew after him, catching Kurapika’s hand as he turned the doorknob. Kurapika glared furiously at him, eyes beginning to redden.

“Look, Kurapika, I… I don’t want to end tonight like this. With us angry at each other. I’m sorry, okay?” Leorio said. “I thought… I thought you were maybe feeling the same way I was.”

Kurapika’s eyes began to cool again and his shoulders dropped with his gaze as he heaved a sigh.

“… I am.”

Wait. What?

“You… you are?” Leorio stammered, a little stunned. “But… then what’s stopping us?”

Kurapika gazed remorsefully back at him.

“Leorio. I’ve sworn my revenge against the Phantom Troupe no matter what the cost. I can’t… I can’t promise myself to you while that goal lies ahead of me.”

Goddammit. Of course. Leorio hadn’t even been thinking about that. Not while those kisses were still fresh in his mind.

Leorio took Kurapika’s hand from the doorknob and squeezed it tightly.

“Kurapika… please,” he begged. “You can’t make chasing the Spiders your entire life. You need something else or… or… I’m scared you’ll run yourself into the ground.”

Or worse.

Kurapika slid his hand from Leorio’s and let it drop to his side.

“That’s a risk I accepted a long time ago,” he muttered. “I’m sorry, Leorio. I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. I’d be putting you far too much at risk. And after what happened in Yorkshin… you’ve seen what the Spiders are capable of.”

“I don’t care about them!” Leorio shouted. “I don’t care about what might happen to me. I want… I want to be with you, Kurapika. I want to help you through this.”

Leorio knew what he was saying was stupid as hell. A healthy fear of the Phantom Troupe had been with him since the hostage exchange, where he’d seen and heard first-hand the kind of people Kurapika was dealing with. But fuck if he didn’t mean what he said with every fiber of his being.

“I know you do,” Kurapika said, his expression pained. “I don’t want to say no to you. But I have to. If I want to keep you safe this can’t happen. I… I couldn’t bear it if something happened to you on my account. That’s why I wasn’t answering your calls. That’s why I almost didn’t come here. I need you to forget about this, Leorio.”

“We don’t have to be obvious about it!” Leorio said, feeling desperate. “We can keep it a secret. Not even Gon and Killua will figure it out.”

“Leorio….” Kurapika was smiling in spite of the tears threatening to spill over. “I’m sorry. I just can’t. I can’t put you in that kind of jeopardy again.”

“Dammit… come here.”

Leorio pulled Kurapika out of the doorway and into his arms again. Kurapika didn’t push away, but didn’t do anything else either. He just stood motionless, letting Leorio hold him. Somehow that was worse. Leorio felt himself struggling not to start crying as well.

They stayed there like that for a long time, not saying anything. What was there to say? It was all out in the open now, and it hurt. It hurt so damn much. 

“… I need to go.” Kurapika’s voice was barely audible.

“Not yet… please?”

“Leorio…”

“… Okay,” Leorio conceded, letting Kurapika go and taking off his glasses to wipe his eyes. “Just… take care of yourself, alright?”

“I’ll do my best,” Kurapika lied.

“Promise me, okay?” Leorio insisted, grabbing Kurapika’s shoulders. “I don’t wanna hear about you collapsing from exhaustion again.”

“… Alright. I promise.” Kurapika still wasn’t being very convincing, but Leorio didn’t feel like he could press the matter any more. Instead, he leaned forward and kissed Kurapika’s forehead.

“Good night, Leorio,” Kurapika said as Leorio finished, letting go of his shoulders.

“Good night, Kurapika.”

Leorio watched Kurapika leave, shutting the door behind him.

He stared at the closed door for what felt like an hour. Maybe it was an hour. Hell if Leorio knew.

Eventually he tore himself away, wandering over to his sofa. He dropped himself into the seat and stared blankly at the grain of the coffee table for another maybe-hour.

“Goddammit!”

Leorio shattered the silence in his apartment and nearly shattered the coffee table with a Nen-infused fist. It buckled under his hand, threatening to crack in two.

This just wasn’t fucking fair. Fuck the damn Spiders! Fuck the mafia! And fuck Kurapika too!

The aura in Leorio’s hand slowly dissipated as his anger gave way to crushing loneliness. Cursing, he curled in on himself, holding his head in his hands. 

No… no, this wasn’t Kurapika’s fault. He was right - the Spiders would probably target him as soon as they knew how much they meant to each other. They’d use him as a tool against Kurapika, and probably kill him in the process. 

Fuck. This was his fault. This was all because Leorio was too weak to protect himself from people like them. As long as he was this useless, Kurapika would have to keep him at arm’s length, for his safety.

Even then though, Leorio wished he wouldn’t. He wished they could both just say ‘screw it’ and do what they wanted. He wished he’d asked him for just one night. One night to be with each other without worrying about anyone else. 

Dammit. He screwed up. He didn’t go with his gut and now he was regretting it. Was it too late to text him to come back?

Leorio sat up quickly and slapped his pants pockets, searching for his phone. No luck. Wait, crap, he just remembered - he left it at the kitchen table.

He got up from the sofa and dashed over to where his phone still sat. He opened up his messages, found Kurapika in his contacts, and began a new conversation. And froze. 

What the hell was he supposed to say? ‘Hey, I know we just agreed we shouldn’t, but I keep thinking about that kiss and I really wanna have sex with you right now so you should come back.’ No. No way in hell was that gonna work. 

Leorio laid his phone back on the table, and his head with it.

He had to stop being stupid. He missed his chance. He blew it. God...

Leorio threw a glance over to the door, praying that Kurapika would open it and come back to him. Any second now. Please?

It didn’t happen. Leorio was alone.

Crushed by the weight of the silence around him, Leorio didn’t move for a long time.

It was only when he lurched back into consciousness from a sleep start that he realized he’d dozed off with his face pressed against the table.

Shit. He was drunk and exhausted. He had class in the morning - he couldn’t stay up moping about this all night.

Leorio pulled himself off the table and took his glasses off, rubbing his eyes sleepily. He took a quick glance at the stove clock, which now read almost one o’clock, and sighed deeply, dragging himself out of his chair and taking his phone and the open bottle of wine in his hand. He recorked the bottle as well as he could, put it in the refrigerator, and then shambled off toward his bedroom.

As he went, he started to loosen his tie and felt the skin of his neck chafe against his collar. Damn. Kurapika really did a number on him with that kiss. Leorio closed his eyes and tried reliving it again, the taste, the smell of him, fingers tugging on his hair… The thought started to get him hard again.

Leorio shed the rest of his clothes and made a detour into the bathroom, leaving them in a pile on his floor.

A remarkably quick few minutes later, Leorio emerged from the bathroom, set his phone on the side table, and fell into his unmade bed.

Exhaling loudly, he rolled onto his side, grabbing hold of one of his pillows and burying his face into it. Jacking off on the toilet was not how he’d wanted to the end the night, but it was what it was. He’d started the day feeling like a loser - he might as well finish it the same way.

Drowsiness started to cloud his thoughts when he heard a buzz from behind him. Leorio rolled over and grabbed at his phone - who the hell was texting him so late? He blinked blearily at the name on the screen for a full few seconds before it registered - it was Kurapika.

‘I’m sorry tonight ended the way it did. But I’m glad I got to see you again. I’ll be in touch soon - I promise.’

Leorio couldn’t stop the warmth that bubbled up from his chest from blossoming into a big, stupid, half-conscious grin. 

‘I’ll be waiting,’ Leorio typed back. ‘Till then, take care of yourself.’

He sighed again, this time with relief, and set his phone back on the table.

God… how did one text message manage to change his entire mood just like that? Probably because it was a reminder of all the good stuff that happened in spite of the bad tonight. He got to see Kurapika again, alive and whole - that alone was kind of amazing. He got to kiss him not once, but three different times, which was even better.

But what really got to Leorio was what he’d said as he held his hand… how grateful he was for him just being there and doing what he did. Kurapika didn’t just say stuff to make people feel better. He meant it. It was kind of hard to stay down on himself when he remembered how the guy he was maybe a little in love with told him how important he was to him.

Leorio rolled over and hugged his pillow again, closing his eyes.

Whether they could be together or not, he wanted to keep being there for Kurapika. To keep reminding him there are people who love him and care about him. He definitely didn’t need to be a big damn hero to do that. So that’s what he was going to do.

Leorio’s thoughts grew fuzzy as he drifted off again, holding his pillow to his chest.

A few minutes later Leorio’s phone buzzed again. He didn’t stir, but the message would be waiting for him in the morning.

‘Good night, Leorio. And thank you, again. For everything.’


End file.
